At some point in this project I will have worked my way into the present moment. I will describe Madrigal Luna’s months. I will get to talk about her birth. I haven’t written her birth story yet, and her third birthday is less than a week away. I will also get on with acceptance and forgiveness. Feh is who he is. In Adele’s song she says, “Just because I said it, don’t mean that I meant it” (classic). I don’t “hate” him. I’m not very good at hating people I know. I’m can hate two dimensional people (media/politician people) who makes loud, public, horrible statements or stances.
I read once that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it is indifference.
He wants to be a part of our kids’ lives. He’s showing up regularly, and they’re enjoying it. Those are immense things. They’re new too. He didn’t show up from close by – he followed them from Washington to Wisconsin. He’s made huge efforts to be a dad to them. I’d bet “dad” is all he ever wanted to be.
It’s too bad there aren’t men (that we know of) adopting and becoming single dads. I have not at all like becoming “mom” with someone who only wanted what I could bear.
Indifference would be nice. I’m going to keep practicing delayed response, grace, detachment, and indifference. Eventually life will get more often between me and the ugly feelings I have at him. Eventually I fucking finally be divorced (almost three years now, retch). That will be healthy, welcome, and so. fucking. good.