The Time Line, Vaguely

At some point in this project I will have worked my way into the present moment.  I will describe Madrigal Luna’s months.  I will get to talk about her birth.  I haven’t written her birth story yet, and her third birthday is less than a week away.  I will also get on with acceptance and forgiveness.  Feh is who he is.  In Adele’s song she says, “Just because I said it, don’t mean that I meant it” (classic).  I don’t “hate” him.  I’m not very good at hating people I know.  I’m can hate two dimensional people (media/politician people) who makes loud, public, horrible statements or stances.

I read once that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it is indifference.

He wants to be a part of our kids’ lives.  He’s showing up regularly, and they’re enjoying it.  Those are immense things.  They’re new too. He didn’t show up from close by – he followed them from Washington to Wisconsin.  He’s made huge efforts to be a dad to them.  I’d bet “dad” is all he ever wanted to be.

It’s too bad there aren’t men (that we know of) adopting and becoming single dads.  I have not at all like becoming “mom” with someone who only wanted what I could bear.

Indifference would be nice.  I’m going to keep practicing delayed response, grace, detachment, and indifference.  Eventually life will get more often between me and the ugly feelings I have at him.  Eventually I fucking finally be divorced (almost three years now, retch). That will be healthy, welcome, and so. fucking. good.

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