After trying on several church outfits over the last five years… After being called to Jesus’ side in the dreams of other people…After choosing a biblical name for the third child, the one my future ex-husband and I did not have… I have found a communal church home. I have not had a community home for more than a dozen years. But despite that long period of being semi-rootless and vaguely-wandering, it wasn’t clear to me why I found myself weeping and shaking at the end of the first service I attended in my new communal church. Why? Why, I wondered, did I weep when church services began? Why? Why, I wondered, did I weep when the dragons in Game of Thrones fought off the attackers and carried their human mother into the sky of safety? (Really, I cheered, hooped, cried tears of joy. It was a profoundly confusing moment and I reveled in its mysterious joy.) Why? I wonder the logical reason behind so much. I question the decisions or causes behind the many, in search always for justice, fairness, efficiency, and improvement.
Usually, I’m asleep within minutes of touching head to the pillow. My alarm app plays wonderfully rainforest sounds when I turn it on at night and I had never before heard the 20-minute “sleep” timer run out. Last night, when the rain and wind jungle sounds faded and didn’t resume, I recognized the sign. I was still awake after 20-minutes, my body still tense, my mind still working. I didn’t work to untie knots, but I wondered, why, of course. What was getting at me? Then it came. Church. Weeping and shaking. All the hard effort to be alone through the adventures I fill my life purposefully with, because there is no one else to share it with me. Weeping and refusing to hide. Here I am. A dressed, tidy-looking woman, at the edge of the center aisle, weeping in the last row of the makeshift pews into an antique store hanky. Why? Why?
Relief. I can stop wandering. I can share work with these people. I can share grief, suffering, laughter, strength, joy, bill-paying, nose-blowing life with this communal church. I can build my community here. I can put down my roots here. And here happens to be filled with Jesus and Jesus? that is scary. Gawd? Lord? Jesus? I’m not afraid of You, but Your people, Lord, they have disgusted me my whole life through.
I’m going to join them now and I’m so fucking relieved. I am so brave, but I have been so sad to be carrying a mantle alone. I want to lend my strength to the righteous causes existing and now, oh em gee, I have found the knack.
I have no baptismal plans, but I may download a bible app. I have no formal conversion ideas, but I do pray. I have no intentions of wiping Ganesh, Buddha, Kali, Rama, or any of the other deity-names I have asked “Why” of… but I am willing to step over the mound of questions around some of the stories, and climb in to the answers. Love always wins. Those who give away their riches are always more wealthy. We are never alone.