An Important Truth

  • From:shana
  • To:
    • Hadj (First View: 09/28/2016 9:18 AM)
  • Sent:09/27/2016 10:32 PM
  • Subject:Sal at school

The soccer coach also mentioned you emailing.
Sal enjoyed soccer and was disappointed when they called practice off 15 minutes early due to rain.

P.S. Maddy and Sal sleep in their own beds at my house. They do not do that at your house. I do not have the room in my bed to accommodate two more people, I sleep on a full mattress, plus I don’t want to sleep with them. Maddy now refuses to sleep in her bed alone at night without lots of fussing and refusing to go to sleep until over an hour past her bed time. I told her that she could sleep with Sal if he agreed to sleep on the bottom bunk with her, but that I don’t want them both in a twin top bunk. Sal likes sleeping in his bed and doesn’t sleep on the bottom with Maddy usually. What will you do or suggest to help resolve this?


  • From:Hadj
  • To:
    • shana (First View: 10/05/2016 10:12 PM)
  • Sent:10/05/2016 8:56 PM
  • Subject:Attachment parenting.


We both agreed to attachment parenting. I am going to stick to that. I understand your feeding sack/pillow feelings, I don’t feel the same way… I have no recommendations for you. They will share the family bed until they request their own bed, which is available.

“Do you know why narcissists look in the mirror all the time? Because they see nothing there.

The happiest person in the world looks into the mirror and sees themself as they are.” -C. Clark

Let’s unpack the above conversation.  Let’s do this because I am over suffering this man in silence right now.  I am over letting his bullshit, contradictory, demented behavior take seed in my reality.
“We both agreed…”
As if any agreement he and I ever made was kept.
In my world, when you agree to love someone you agree to respect them and to respect yourself in offering to them. I may have been an unseasoned 25-year-old when we first met, but I still knew in my gut what love was, and what it was not.
“attachment parenting”
The only people who write about attachment parenting are privileged people.  They are people who presuppose the parents have faced their own traumas and suffering and want to consciously create safety for their children.  I think refusing to take responsibility for yourself, present or past, is mutually exclusive from the above practices and motivations.
“I understand your feeding sack/pillow feelings”
Here we have the classic Hadj practice of using my words of suffering as a weapon against me.
The above sentiment was something I expressed when Sal was a baby, in 2011. I was struggling to find success with breastfeeding in very non-optimal conditions.  Any mother who has breastfed knows exactly what it feels like to be a feed sack.  And we’re allowed to have that feeling.  And we should be loved past that feeling of pitifulness, raised up as strong and heroic for sacrificing our freedom of movement, time-management, and dozens of other things in order to feed the child.  Breastfeeding the first time takes practice for many.
I see you Hadj.  I see you, attempting to invalidate my feelings or use them against me.  And you can’t.  You don’t have that power or control.
“I don’t feel the same way”
Of course you don’t.  You never had to sacrifice your body to help an infant grow or live.
“They will share the family bed until they request their own bed which is available”
One broken man using charisma and brainwashing to get his children to do what he wants in order to make him feel a certain way, be it bigger, stronger, younger, more worthy of love, less afraid to die, is what you are.

Once in awhile my family chides me for posting “such personal” information on the internet.  They fear it could harm me in the long run.  This information is not just personal, it can be useful to others, it can be universal.  And because it is the truth, I have no fear.
There are more than enough people who have suffered.  More than enough people who have experienced all forms of trauma.  Many of them have no voice. Many of them suffer in the dark, keep the pain inside because they are afraid.  Many parents are stuck with an abusive baby mama/daddy.  If one of them happens to read this and feel their own light within grow stronger, then sharing such personal stories like these will be worth it.
In addition to that, writing stories so personally can be like a good cry.  I open up, unafraid of what it may look like, and wash myself clean with these stories.  I shine a light in the corner where there is a monster attempting to frighten or control me.  If you’re reading this, just know hadj, that you have no power to cause me suffering.  I am not afraid of you.  To me, you are nothing but a mountain in my way and I will rise up, over you 1,000 times or more.  I will keep some in awe, when they see how many tools and routes I have to healing, joy, and ultimately, peace.

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