East of Eden

After 3 years, 6 months, and 30 minutes of effort, yesterday I lost ~180 lbs. I got divorced at last. I was sky-high in freedom yesterday.


I’m reviewing the dog-eared pages of East of Eden after finally having read the Steinbeck novel I bought at least ten years ago. I marked this in chapter 21, part 3,

Some people think it’s an insult to the glory of their sickness to get well. But the time poultice is no respecter of glories. Everyone gets well if he waits around.

About three and a half years ago I wrote this, Life’s Best Poultice.


After court, paying homage to my lesser demons (alcohol, cheeseburger, custard, nicotine), and taking a gluttony-induced walk through a local labyrinth I landed a few yards behind a well-looking couple with their child.  They were good-humored, fit, and groomed and a while after following behind them I realized that I had not felt the pain of longing for that family style.

My monkey-mind was instead sizing up her fit body and adding lines to the endless dramatic book of body-image and self-shaming to which I’ve historically been accustomed.


…There is a time for every thing.  I will wait around and continue to be healed.

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Here Anyway, Initial Ideas Be Damned

I was reading up on the shorter of those poetic forms as a means to follow an idea.  Then I was uploading photos into facebook, then commenting, then scrolling and you know how it goes.  Nearly an hour after I began I’m no closer to the creative move I’d intended to make.  BUT I’m not willing to call it off or put it off for another day.  YES! I want to be more, do more, show more, make more SO no time like the present.

The idea came from an inclination to imitate, but not totally copy my hard working, easy to adore, writer friend Anna Pulley who began churning out “Haikus for Adulthood” after a series of pretty big life changing events.  And she hasn’t even turned 30 yet.  As I mentioned, she is hard working, which is not something I feel I am.  I feel like I work hard, but not necessarily smart.  More on that when the ability to delve into my personal and personality in writing, in public, becomes possible again.  Processing life altering events combined with heartbreaking disappointment and the process of boxing up an entire set of dreams is… Well that’s what I’m in the process of, and while processing it I haven’t exactly been able to discern how to talk about it — outside of desperate phone calls to my girl friends and mom and drawing in my notebook and reading advice columns for entire days and watching entire series of Mad Men at a time and so on.

A few days ago I wondered, when other people are experiencing heartbreak, what kind of music do they play for themselves?  Are you a torch bearing kind of heartbreak person, a headstrong “I will survive” diva, a “I’m not looking back” howler?  Do you avoid such “life wants a soundtrack” kind of antics?

I went to a bluegrass festival this weekend.  It’s been at least eight years since I was at something like that.  I had hopes for dancing until sweaty and sore thighed.  I did not make that happen, as life with a toddler and heartbreak and hurdles is different than life as a single lady with grain alcohol in her hands, but I did enjoy a good deal of the event.  In particular, there was a five piece female group that moved me to tears whether singing ballads or two step jingles.  I bought their CD and am excited to be on a home-grown bluegrass kick for a little while.  Nothing like wishing you were drinking and listening to songs about drinking to make you feel a little more normal.  

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366/30 Day 46 – A Wish

8 Minute Abs - It worked in college. (It's also more like 600 crunchers.)

I wish to be doing 240 ab-crunchers (6 sets of 40) every night before bed, as regularly as I now floss and brush before bed, in the future.

I don’t feel like I can commit to saying I will make my wish come true starting tonight because I have only just completed 13 nights of regular brushing and flossing.  I hope to have the will power I’m now using to create one more positive habit for health freed up by the assimilation that is bestowed with long term consistent practice.

Ah.  This learning stuff is fun.