Grief can be compared to a great many things. I have compared it to a rock – stuck inside of the self. The self, tumbles it time and time again. Eventually the rock is smoothed out and growing smaller with each run through the self’s cycle. Grief can sail on a ship disguised as the life you did not live. Yet, how can you know when you’ve bid the ship a bon voyage at last? How many times have I thought I’d forgiven, accepted, and moved on – only to be shown that I’m wrong – when I claim I hate the grief within me? If you have forgiven, have moved on, can you not cease to feel the pain of hate? Continue reading
I agreed to marry Salamander’s father and we made it happen. 11/11/11. He later, though not much later, wanted an annulment. I would not grant it. At first, it was because I wasn’t ready to admit defeat. Later, it was because I wasn’t going to pretend I didn’t make that mistake. And finally, it was because I needed the legal protection the title granted me as we were already in divorce court.
Nevertheless, in early November, Salamander came with me as I plucked beauty from our luscious surroundings and fashioned a bouquet.
Two weeks later, I blogged this:
This is the place in our lives, Salamander’s and mine, where things got very challenging as the norm, rather than the exception. But for one or two nights, right then, I put intuitive knowing into a lock-box and enjoyed “my family.” Salamander napped the afternoon after our marriage was legally made. We had taken a walk in the cold, wet air. I gave out cookies I’d baked. We went home to flowers and chocolate covered strawberries from my loving family in the Midwest and went to bed.
Is that not the most ridiculously cute little chub? Why so sad looking Mr. Chub-a-lub? Salamander
was is VERY busy and as a scooting, traveling boy, he got into all of the things. Some fun we enjoyed together was, splashing in water, pouring dried lentils into and out of things, patting the dogs’ haunches, and of course our daily walks. You can’t tell here, but he has the biggest, face consuming smile which he employed often and also strategically, like in situations when he’d got caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to (ie. splashing the dogs’ water bowl). His favorite things to eat were sweet potatoes, oatmeal, and apples.
(Warning: this post contains a graphic description of child abuse.)
Lighter fare. Stream of thought. Feminine energy. Most of the time. Time as money. And on we go.
Things to do, January 20. I didn’t call my cousin on her birthday. Things to do. Plan meal & baking for dinner/bday party on Jan 30. Keep in mind the MPS Enrollment Fair that morning. Bake dairy-free family cake & cupcakes/cake for coworkers. Buy self bouquet for desk, you better believe – or maybe the shelf you want for photos, plant. So: dinner & 2 desserts. Cleaning & dining plan. Also: yoga practice room in office. Find one. Maybe you get a drop-in yoga club eventually. If you try. Later, list savings goals & amounts so you can stay focused. At work: memorize poetry instead of prices during down/numb times. OKGO.
Like old times, but much wiser. Less painful. Focus can be learned. Drive is innate.
Salameister was reaching toward the end of his ninth month broadside, earth-side, sunny side up. I wouldn’t have known it consciously at the time, but storm clouds were building on the horizon. They were visible, but I was like the tough old resident who doesn’t leave her shack for nothing. No storm was going to shake me, I determined. Continue reading
In Salamander’s first year we went camping four times. There were many trade-offs made when I left feh, some harder than others. Being at a disadvantage to outdoor life is one really big one for me. The good thing that grew from that fertilizer is that I am very motivated still to continue building the life I want on terms I will accept. I can buy my own tent and take my kids camping. Self-reliance is so sexy. Continue reading